Back to reality

Today I went back to work. I am exhausted! I really missed all those sweet kids and am glad to be back.
I came home to a new mattress today and am so excited. It's so soft. Our other one was broke down. :-)


This is my bed and I am thrilled about getting good sleep!!!
Cam also got his first bed. He went straight from a toddler bed to bunking with Caden. Now he has his own room...finally.


He loves airplanes.
I got the kids this shower curtain at target and I really heart it. I just hung it up.


It's cloth and organic and I love the colors.
That's all that is going on around here right now... I'm off to watch Hoarders..does anyone rlse watch this? I am intrigued by it. Scotty thinks I'm sick for watching it...haha. Good night y'all!!!

Day after Christmas

I just downloaded wordpress on my iPhone so I wanted to check it out. :-) We had a great Christmas at home. It was SO nice not having to leave the house. We were extra blessed this year because Scotty is alive. Last week the drs told me they gave him a fifty percent chance to make it. God is good. He is doing great, just gets winded very easily. I am just so thankful this year. We can only take one day at a time. Because of some very special people this year, my kids had an extra good Christmas. I am in such awe still of the goodness in so many people...here are a few pics from yesterday.
Caden


Laiken and Camden


Laiken Bacon



And y'all I decided to color my own hair the other day and it turned red. Or purple. Is it terrible? The verdict is still out!!



Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just wanted to let everyone know we are home in time for the holidays. We have been settling in at home and everything is going well so far. Thanks for all your prayers!

Thursday.

Genesis 33:11-
Take, I pray thee, my blessing that is brought to thee; because God hath dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough. And he urged him, and he took it.

I have had a hard time accepting gifts from others. It is just hard for me. But I am SO appreciative. I just like to do for others and it's hard for me to take what is given to me.

I just want everyone to know who has sent me an email, a gift, a card, whatever that I appreciate it MORE than you will ever know. (It may take me awhile to get out thank you cards....:-)

I am so humbled right now and in just complete awe. The goodness and love I have seen in others has really helped me see how awesome God is. I already knew He was...I just feel so blessed in this hard time.
'
Every kind word, messages through facebook, every act of kindness has touched me in a way that is hard to express...I am at a loss for words.

Scotty is doing so well today and is itching to go home. He has a very yucky rash that is covering his whole body. It makes me cringe, but he says it doesn't itch. He has lost alot of weight and strength being here, but he's alive and that's all that matters to me. God is so good. There was a time a couple of weeks ago I was begging and pleading with Him to save Scotty's life. In a sense, I am very grateful that this experience has pushed Scotty and I closer together and my family closer together. God has a plan for everything and it's always better than our own, no matter the outcome. I hate Scotty being sick, but I am grateful he is here.


I can't wait to go home and finally put up mu Christmas tree!!!

Wednesday

So, my insurance finally offered me a settlement for my contents from the break in. My doors are still boarded up so this is what I see when I come home.




I am going to have to replace my bedroom furniture also because they threw my dresser drawers all around and busted them up on our concrete floors. At least I get to go furniture shopping. :-)

I LOVE shopping. I use it as therapy, which so often is not a good thing. But I only buy things that are on sale...Last night, I was at Sephora after I left the hospital and I just wanted to grab up the whole store. I love that place. But I just looked around.

Scotty is doing really well today. They just did a pulmonary arteriogram and I think the TPA has busted up his clots in his lungs. His rhuematologist thinks that his autoimmune disease is going to be treatable from the clinic and he sees no need for us to go to the Mayo Clinic in MN. Which is good news. I didn't want to go up in that freezing weather. This Southern girl thinks it's already cold enough in Arkansas....

Our prayers are being answered every day and I am so thankful and blessed.

Tuesday.

I came in this morning to see Scotty smiling at me. He is really really hungry and wanting something from Copleand's to eat. Hopefully they will let him eat again soon.

He is going to have another angiogram today to see if the clots in the lungs are dissolving as far as I know. They are going to remove the catheter from the artery in his neck. Hopefully he will be up walking soon. :)

I am in AWE of how many people I don't know have sent me cards and emails. Every time I turn around, people are telling us that they have put us on their prayer list at church. It means SO much to me. I don't know if I ever will get all those thank you cards sent out. So just know that it means so much to me. It gives me a sense of peace. When you walk in Baptist hospital and look up at the wall, it says Cast your fears upon the Lord, and he will sustain you. This reminds me every day I walk in those doors to stay calm.

My new normal is not getting up early and getting the kids ready for school and heading to Sonic for my Diet Vanilla Coke and rushing to work. My new normal is throwing the kids in whatever clothes that are clean, maybe or maybe not brushing their hair, speeding to school and then to the ICU. I feel anxious the whole way to the hospital. I don't get rid of it till I walk in the door.

I am taking it day by day.




*****I am adding this picture after I posted this earlier. It is very blurry, I took it with my Iphone and he wasn't happy about it. :-) He finally got to eat and so I took a picture.

Whew.

The pulmonary angiogram went well. They have TPA going to his lungs to try and bust up the clots in his lungs.

However, there is still the underlying issue and about an hour ago, my world turned upside down again. (As if it already weren't.)

They are thinking of sending him to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. And how we do this with three kids and no finances is BEYOND me. He can't go alone. And we can't leave our kids, so do we just put everything in storage and pick up and go? The kids have school, but I can't let Scotty go alone. And I can't leave the kids here. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is just beyond my comprehension. Please pray for us. Right now, I feel like I have an elephant on my chest and something swimming in my brain. I feel so overwhelmed.

We need a miracle for Christmas.

Prayers needed

Scotty was just taken back for a very risky procedure to dissolve the clots in his lungs. I am very scared and nervous. Please pray for him.

Yucky Hospital.

Today marks 23 days, I think.

It seemed easy in the beginning because it seemed like no big deal. Now it's one thing after another. And it's really hard. It gets harder every day.

We moved out of the ICU today onto the Cardiac floor. It is scary to be out of ICU on this floor because the nurses are so busy. He is in alot of pain and is covered in a very nasty rash. He is so miserable and it just seems so unfair. I was so hopeful when I took him home on Thursday that he was getting better to having a pulmonary embolism. Blood clots are scary. It scares me to take him home. It was horrible to see him fall out in the kitchen like he did the other day.

We missed Thanksgiving. I don't want to spend Christmas in the hospital. I will if that means getting him better, but noone wants to spend their entire holiday season in the hospital. I am wishing we had some more answers about the connective tissue/autoimmune stuff and we still don't know about the lymphoma. They sent those off to another lab....

I am staying with him tonight since he is in a regular room because I am scared to leave him and hate missing out on minutes with him. Even if we are sleeping. :)

Saturday

I wish I was blogging to talk about mundane things and to tell you guys all about what we were doing for the holidays, but I'm not.

I took Scotty home on Thursday morning. We spent all day together and woke up together Friday morning. He looked very sickly and pale and was freezing cold. He has been having trouble walking so he needs my help. We walked in the kitchen together and he had reached out to hug me and somehow in the midst of our hug I looked at him and his eyes were rolling back in his head and he was grayish and he started to fall. That was the first of three times he passed out yesterday. Needless to say, we are back at the hospital.

The ambulance took him to the ER and they had time to look through his records and talk to his doctors and order a CT of the head and lungs. He has multiple large pulmonary embolisims in both lungs. He has clots in his right leg. They have started him on anticoagulants and he is kinda confined to the bed now in ICU so the ones in his leg won't break loose. This is VERY scary to me. I have never been so scared in my life. I thought he was gone when he passed out in the kitchen.

We have so much left to do together. I want and need him to be healthy. Please pray for our family. It has finally started taking its toll on our kids and I am a mess.

We didn't get to go home last night. Hoping for today.

honesty.

So right now I am feeling very anxious. (We are waiting to be discharged.) I have been constantly praying but I feel so uncertain about our future. How am I going to pay for all of this? I am losing everything but gaining so much in a sense. We have no health insurance. How are we going to pay for treatments? How are we going to pay our bills. We have lived I am ashamed to say an excessive lifestyle. Overspending. So that means we owe more. My cars.....it is just consuming me now.

I also feel in a sense I am gaining something by Scotty not being able to work, more time with each other and a chance to start over. I am not at a loss for material "stuff", just the stress of not having an income. It's hard to grasp. I am grateful for the opportunity to reorganize and reevaluate all the stuff in our lives. I am grateful Scotty is alive. The Dr. told me he was very lucky to even be alive. I am just full of mixed emotions and haven't really had much time to think about things because my life has been consumed with this hospital. Do you know that I have not had ONE meal outside of this hospital since he has been in here? And the food really isn't that great....:-)

I am VERY thankful to my family for all the help they have provided me with my kids. I hope they know that. My grandparents said once they would never keep all three at once. Ha Ha....they did it. My Grandpa has cancer and has gotten up before his treatments to take my kids to school. My Dad and Stepmom have watched the kids a ton since we have been in here, and I appreciate it SOOOOOO much. My stepmom is great with them. My Mom is picking them up today and I am just so thankful for the help I have recieved. My Memaw, Dad, and Mom all had the Swine Flu hit them hard during the course of this hospital stay and so I know they have been exhausted.

I am so appreciative to my friends. My boss at work has brought me goodies, food, and my paycheck up here. I appreciate all the texts and calls. I appreciate the friends who have sat up here with me in the waiting room. I am in awe of how many people truly care. The people at State Farm are amazing for helping us.

I love all of you!!!!!

Sorry this post was SOOOOO long, I got a little carried away. :-)

WE ARE GOING......

HOME!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for all your prayers!!! Scotty still has recovery and lots of Dr's visits ahead of him for treatment, but we are going home today. And we have to worry about today, not tomorrow.

God is good. He is SO SO good.

Scotty is still in ICU. We are still uncertain of our future. But I know one thing for certain. God is faithful, and we are to cast all our fears and He will sustain us.

We recieved a huge blessing from Scotty's coworkers at State Farm in Tennessee. They sent us an envelope full of cash and a WalMart gift card. It is hard for me to accept the fact that I am facing an uncertain future and needed that, but I appreciated it more than they will ever know.

We have decided to let our new house go. We know that Scotty will probably have to be on disability for awhile and we cannot afford that huge mortgage, so we are going to rent a house. I cannot sit and dwell on the fact that we may be losing everything we worked so hard for, because I know that as long as we are together, nothing else matters. I may have lost sight of this somewhere along the way. It doesn't matter where you live, you are what makes your house a home. I am proud of my husband for working so hard to support us and provide a nice lifestyle for us, but I would rather have an unemployed ALIVE husband. And we took a risk living the self employed lifestyle.

Last night, Caden was in the backseat sobbing. He was trying to hide his face and when I asked him what was the matter he said he didn't want his Daddy to die. I think he is the only one who really gets that Daddys is sick. It broke my heart. I pulled over and got out and got in the backseat with him.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Quick Update.

The doctors believe that Scotty has a connective tissue disease. :-( It may be Wegener's disease and not just systemic lupus. You can google this...I don't think they have ruled out rare lymphomas either. They are waiting on a final pathology report.

His spirits are down but he is feeling OK. He is still in ICU, which is no fun but he likes the attention he gets from the nurses. They are so super nice. Thanks to all the sweet nurses in ICU South!


We have not closed on our house, just our construction loan. The builders are wanting to come up to the hospital and close. I told them absolutely not. I don't even see how we can afford the mortgage anyways. I just want to walk away, but feel trapped. You never imagine your circumstances can change so quickly.

Scotty is tired of being an insurance adjuster and wants to go back to school to be a respiratory therapist. I am praying he gets disability. We have talked about moving AGAIN. Maybe to NWA since we love it there and it's not too far and we can both go to school there. I don't know.


Thanks for all your prayers!!!!!

Love,

All over the Place.

That's how I feel.
This picture of Scotty is about a week ago. This was before they added a new incision to him, and a few more drain tubes. He has two chest tubes. He has one new one going to his heart also.

On Thursday, Dr. Rowen (the best thoracic surgeon around) did another operation on him to remove the fluid around his heart. It is called a pericardial window. They removed 450 cc of fluid of of his heart. His incision from that is smaller, but the one from the thoracotomy is about 8 inches. It goes around his side through his ribs to his back. Poor guy has never had surgery before and he is now covered in battle wounds.
We now have a TEAM of doctors including a pulmonologist, cardiologist, hematologist/oncologist, surgeon, infectious disease specialist, and rheumatologist. Whew. It still amazes me how someone who never gets sick is SO sick. Our anniversary was Thursday and he came out of surgery with a ventilator. That is the second time I have seen him on a breathing machine, and let me tell you, I don't like it. He has been diagnosed with lupus. There are more issues going on, but none are definite yet. They have not ruled out lymphoma. I am waiting on the final pathology report. His left lung is still collapsed. He can't breathe without oxygen. He has an enlarged heart. He is still in ICU and won't be leaving anytime soon. He is recieving blood because of his severe anemia.
Please continue to pray for our family. He was denied short term disability and won't be recieving another paycheck. We can apply for SS benefits, but we all know how long that takes. We have a new house, and lots and lots of bills. I am trying to sell our boat and some other stuff. I try to act like it doesn't bother me, but it does. I pray about it every day. I know God will provide and there is a REASON that we are going through this. I have taken everything I have for granted, even though I thought I didn't, if that makes sense.
I have watched so many people close to me suffer because of layoffs from the recession and cutbacks, but we continued to be OK. We payed for healthcare out of our pockets because we are pretty healthy people and he is essentially self employed. I knew it happened to other people, but not me. I prayed for those other people, but really I guess I was selfish. I didn't imagine that my life could change so quickly. Scotty and I joke about all the trips we could take for a night in the ICU. My bills are more than I owe on my house, my cars, my land, my boat combined. The hospital bill is steadily creeping up and I am faced with the fact that we may lose everything. We may have to reevaluate everything we have and our whole lives.
Right now, I just want him to get better and get out of the hospital. I have been here 16 days I believe, and it seems never ending. It is hard because he does everything. He pays the bills, he takes care of all the finances, my car....I need him.
I appreciate all the cards I have recieved from my family, friends, and church. I appreciate all the calls I have gotten from people Scotty works with. My boss brought me a goody basket the first week full of stuff. The kids in my class made me a sweet card. My friend Erin made me a sweet litte basket of snacks. I appreciate her and the others that have came and sat with me when I had to be in the waiting room. Most of all, I really am thankful for your prayers. I am thankful for my grandparents, who have my children and are taking great care of them. My stepmom has also picked them up every evening almost. I love my Christian friends and am so thankful for them. :-)
I miss my kids and I know Scotty is aching to see his babies. This is a hard time of the year to be in the hospital. My Christmas decorations remain in the boxes in the garage. I love to make cookies with the kids. We love to drive around and look at lights. We love Christmas movies and drinking hot chocolate. We missed both of the parades we usually go to. It's hard.

Scotty now has fluid around his heart and we are meeting with a team of doctors in the morning. They believe he may have lymphoma. Surgery will most likely happen in the morning to remove the fluid. He is back in ICU.

Joy

I quit blogging for awhile, because frankly, I felt like I was using my blog as too much of a personal outlet and felt like I didn't have much of anything positive to say. But although I have been through alot lately, it could be much, MUCH worse. I am so thankful for so many things.

I am thankful that for right now, I have a nice home. I have three beautiful kids who love me. I have a husband who adores me. My husband is still fighting to get healthy for us. I have all my needs met. I have healthy parents who love me. I have grandparents I adore. I have so much to be thankful for. Most of all, I have a God who loves me no matter what. He is here for me always. He is always there to help me back up when I fall.

Since I have been in the hospital with Scotty, I have been doing a bible study on joy. Noone has more potential for happiness than a Christian, and noone is more miserable than those who do not know him. I know that whatever God does in our lives, it is for our benefit. God never leads us into disaster. He acts in our best interests and leads us on the path of righteousness. The world promises a false sense of joy, but only Jesus can offer joy unspeakable and full of glory, the joy that passes our understanding and allows us to function no matter what our circumstances. :-) God puts us through trials for a reason. I know that this experience has brought me closer to Him, and closer to Scotty.

We may ???? get out of here on Saturday. I have laundry stacked up in piles and have not yet even put up all the clothes from my drawers that were thrown out during our burglary. My kids homework hasn't been done in awhile, their backpacks are ridiculously overflowing, and I am actually looking forward to cleaning my house. I miss cooking for my kids. I miss my kids in my class. I miss going to work. (Crazy, I know!)

Before Scotty got sick we decided to sponsor a family for Christmas. We felt we were so blessed that we wanted to give to others who didn't have as much. Scotty woke up from being on the ventilator worried about money and bills. (It was the drugs..haha) But he asked me if I had bought the gifts for this family yet, which I hadn't and he wanted to make sure that I didn't forget. I love his giving heart. His income has now stopped and mine is nothing really, but we are still blessed. We have more than others and our kids have so much. I know that God will provide for us in this time.

Please keep praying for Scotty's recovery. I am sitting in his room waiting on the results of today's CT scan to see how clear his lungs are.

Ok, so we are out of the ICU now. We are now on day 11 in the hospital. I am so thankful he is doing better. He has a TERRIBLE attitude, because of the drugs he is on. He has had enough morphine and dilaudid to sink a small ship. He has no idea what he is saying and is very irritable. I am trying to keep my calm with him, but he has been very trying today. I am very tired after staying in the hospital with him for so long. But he would do it for me, and I really wouldn't leave him. It is just so hard with three little kids. Camden has fifths disease and doesnt feel well.

I haven't blogged in so long because I have been so busy with my job, my kids, and moving. I had just really got into the swing of working again when our house got broken into. I have never felt so violated. It's not about what they took, but about the muddy footprints I had all over my house and furniture. They even ate leftover pizza. I felt so super violated. It was the fact that criminals were in my house taking my things while my husband and I were at work working hard to pay for our stuff. Has anyone else out there been robbed and felt so violated?

I am looking forward to Christmas. We spent Thanksgiving at the hospital and Scotty was NPO so we couldn't eat and we were without our kids. No fun. I want to put up my Christmas tree and decorate my house. I normally would have already done these things, but we have been here. Please pray we get out of here before Christmas. His spirit is already broken and he has been crying and upset. Our anniversary is this coming up Thursday. I guess we will be spending it at the hospital.