out of my element

Since the kids have been out on break, I've only left house twice. Ran to LR one day and went to Scotty's moms house on Christmas day. I'm usually a busybody, but truthfully I don't feel like leaving the house.

I don't want to be out and about right now and run into people. I know thats so bad. But, I just feel that way right now. I see people with their huge pregnant bellies and it hurts. I don't care how many kids you do or don't have, it still hurts.
I feel better, really I do..its just the way I feel.
I didnt cry today. I realized that, and almost felt guilty.

But, I am enjoying the quality time with my kiddos, snuggling and watching them play video games. I know I can't be lazy forever. I have to go to wal-mart sometime..but right now it feels good to stay home in my pajamas and its cold anyways..

The thought of whether or not I want to try again keeps popping in my head, and I try to forget it but it consumes me. I then think about bleeding, abruptions...lovonox injections..its scary. And I worry about myself too..I was really traumatized in the hospital. Women do die in childbirth from these things..maybe I'm crazy for thinking it..please tell me I'm not..I don't know what the future holds. I've had a lot ask me if I was done or was going to try again..the day after I came home I got these questions and I really don't know how to answer them.
I can say, right now I'm grieving my daughter. I'm sad and thats ok..
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

No comments:

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."