Saturday

I always dread this day. Or at least I have since that chilly November day. The ninth of November. Today it has been 8 months. Eight months too long. I want my baby here in my arms. Sigh.

I love this picture that Tiffany made for me. I will treasure it for ever.

We had a pretty low-key day around here. We did go grocery shopping and we picked up a new {bad for you} favorite treat. My kiddos love popcorn and I saw Marshmallow popcorn and thought gross...but really it was SOOO good. It comes with a packet of drizzly marshamallow syrupy goo that melts into the popcorn. I have only ever seen it at my local grocery store {Harp's for you Arkansas folks}, I have never seen it at WalMart. But they may have it, I dunno. Anyhow, it was a sweet, salty, buttery goodness. If you can find it, you should try it. I drowned my sorrows into a bowl.


Tomorrow is Sunday, which means Church, so it should be a great day. I love Sundays.


For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; ...

Ecclesiastes 3:1

the next year.

I struggle all the time with the "plan" for my life. It's so out of my control, but sometimes I just want to snap my fingers and have it all my way. Especially when those curveballs are thrown at you. But I know, I am not in control. I don't want to be.

These are verses I read over and over.
Psalm 139: 16 You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book!

”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

1.“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5)

It's hard to sit and wait.

He has complete control of my life.
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)

I am trying to "rest."

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 29. The last year of my 20's. I really want it to be a happy year. I want to look back and know that it was one of the best years of my life. There are so many things I want to do. I am not sure where my place is yet. I really thought for my birthday I was going to get two pink lines. Because I planned it that way. Instead, I completely missed my period. It never came and I am not pregnant. So now I am wondering why. I have never been so normal as I have been since Ryan was born. Perfect 28 day cycles. Why this month? Because "I" had planned to get those pink lines. I prayed this morning. I am struggling. People as me all the time "Why do I want another baby?" and I cannot answer that. But there is a deep aching in my soul and I so want that baby. I wanted Ryan. I prayed for her. I prayed for the baby I lost before her. I don't understand this heartache. I am struggling to let this go. To wait on Him. Listen to what HE wants for my life. As most of you know, Scotty and I had planned on being foster parents and then we decided to adopt a little girl. She was actally returned to her mom. But Scotty got sick around the time we were going to classes and we never got to go. Was this not His plan? Or am I having trouble having another baby because this is His plan for me? Maybe another form of adoption? I just don't know. Last night I cried and cried because I am just really getting that it's all out of my control. I have been holding on to this control and now, another curveball has been thrown at me. When I was expecting two pink lines or to get a monthly visit, neither happened. And it just made me miss Ryan even more, she should be with me, smiling and cooing and wearing ruffled bloomers. But I visit her at the cemetary. And she's really not there, either. I find comfort in that, though. Because I know she is on heaven. But it is still hard to drive by going to Walmart every day and looking over and seeing her grave. Anyhow, I am giving this to God. I am giving up my control. I will still be sad, but I can't spend so much time on my grief, that I give up the good parts of my life. I will still grieve, as this is a lifelong process. I will still blog about dealing with it. I will still cry, but I have got to let go of some of it.

I realize this was a long post, and I wrote it for me, so if you made it through, Whew.

And did I mention I miss him? My rock. My best friend. My soulmate. He has been there for me when I have screamed and cried, and yes, I have screamed and cried. I have been angry, sad, mad...and he has been my rock. I didn't realize it would be this hard if he went back to work.

if you're { blank}and you know it..

Don't you just love my flip flops? I was dying to wear them this morning but I was scared I might be judged for wearing flip flops in February, although it was 70 in central Arkansas yesterday and today. When does it become socially acceptable to wear flip flops? Or does it even matter?

Today Scotty and I took a long drive, it was so pretty and thats one of my fave things to do. Then I dragged him through antique stores, which I LOVE, he does not. I found several things I thought I must have, although I managed to leave with nothing. I had a lot of fun.

Today I noticed on FB a friend had her baby girl, another announced she was having a girl ( I'm thrilled for her..if you're reading.:-) Another friend is about to have her baby girl, and a couple of weeks ago my friend had her twins. It's really just bittersweet how I had Ryan before some of them even knew they were pregnant, I should have been delivering her at the same time as two of my friends...I have ignored baby shower invitations. I'm looking very forward to meeting these babies, I just don't want to go to the baby showers. I think the general consensus is that because I have kids, it should hurt less. Trust me, thats not the case and I want to shout it out loud! I'm sick and tired of hearing how blessed I am. Duh. I know. But I still want my daughter here with me. People have now forgotten, forgotten about Ryan, forgotten I'm hurting..I try not to pour too much grief into my blog.. which is hard for me. It's one place I feel I can be honest and share my feelings. Maybe I should keep a journal..I don't know. But you friends who pray for me, who get it, thank you and I love you. Because there are so few of you.

The weather the last two days has made me feel much happier, I wish it would stay this way. It's amazing what a sunny day can do for your soul..I'm thinking I should have been born in southern California..:)

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Red.

My grandpa used to be a redhead. Bright red hair, picture above does not depict well. Yes, thats me. Those are my grandparents. This current picture is my grandpa playing on YouTube, and if he weren't so cheap, I'd bet he'd get internet access and be addicted. He loves YouTube.

If you prayed for him, thank you. He is out of hospital. He needs an aortic valve replacement. It's an open heart surgery, and he's already survived two of those. He's decided not to. So please pray that his heart holds on for a long time even though its really broken.

We have a lot going on right now, and lots of decisions to make..I should be asleep right now but my mind is racing..

I don't even have to tell you what keeps me up every night..I'm sure you all know.

But I'm listening to "oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves us.." over and over. And he does.

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the ninth.

The 8th of September 2009 I lost a baby. The 9th of November 2010 Ryan Elizabeth was born into heaven.
Two months. For the rest of my life I will remember this day, the 9th. These two months have flown by...

Which brings me to..(I'm about to get real) how bad I want it. Today my goal became an hour..8,000 steps and four miles. I got up and ate my spinach and eggs..and an hour later I put my shoes on and started running. I run/walk/jog in 3-5 min intervals. After 30 minutes today, I was literally crying, blowing snot, and the salty sweat was dripping in my eyes. I wanted to scream..but all I could think about was how hard it was to bury Ryan and I can do anything. This is easy stuff. When I hit an hour, I felt relief. Sick..but relieved. Exhilerated.

I want to be healthy..I watch the biggest loser and that girl (Sarah, I think) said she wasn't going to lose another baby due to her weight..I cried. My heart hurt for her. I want to be healthy.

So for an undetermined amount of time, I'm cutting out processed foods completely. Eating only clean foods. No restaurants. Ive done it before..I can do it again. I want to be able to take my kids swimming and not feel self conscious, I want to be healthy enough to have another baby someday..I really really want this. And I've lost 4 lbs this week..:))

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