the next year.

I struggle all the time with the "plan" for my life. It's so out of my control, but sometimes I just want to snap my fingers and have it all my way. Especially when those curveballs are thrown at you. But I know, I am not in control. I don't want to be.

These are verses I read over and over.
Psalm 139: 16 You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book!

”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

1.“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5)

It's hard to sit and wait.

He has complete control of my life.
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)

I am trying to "rest."

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 29. The last year of my 20's. I really want it to be a happy year. I want to look back and know that it was one of the best years of my life. There are so many things I want to do. I am not sure where my place is yet. I really thought for my birthday I was going to get two pink lines. Because I planned it that way. Instead, I completely missed my period. It never came and I am not pregnant. So now I am wondering why. I have never been so normal as I have been since Ryan was born. Perfect 28 day cycles. Why this month? Because "I" had planned to get those pink lines. I prayed this morning. I am struggling. People as me all the time "Why do I want another baby?" and I cannot answer that. But there is a deep aching in my soul and I so want that baby. I wanted Ryan. I prayed for her. I prayed for the baby I lost before her. I don't understand this heartache. I am struggling to let this go. To wait on Him. Listen to what HE wants for my life. As most of you know, Scotty and I had planned on being foster parents and then we decided to adopt a little girl. She was actally returned to her mom. But Scotty got sick around the time we were going to classes and we never got to go. Was this not His plan? Or am I having trouble having another baby because this is His plan for me? Maybe another form of adoption? I just don't know. Last night I cried and cried because I am just really getting that it's all out of my control. I have been holding on to this control and now, another curveball has been thrown at me. When I was expecting two pink lines or to get a monthly visit, neither happened. And it just made me miss Ryan even more, she should be with me, smiling and cooing and wearing ruffled bloomers. But I visit her at the cemetary. And she's really not there, either. I find comfort in that, though. Because I know she is on heaven. But it is still hard to drive by going to Walmart every day and looking over and seeing her grave. Anyhow, I am giving this to God. I am giving up my control. I will still be sad, but I can't spend so much time on my grief, that I give up the good parts of my life. I will still grieve, as this is a lifelong process. I will still blog about dealing with it. I will still cry, but I have got to let go of some of it.

I realize this was a long post, and I wrote it for me, so if you made it through, Whew.

And did I mention I miss him? My rock. My best friend. My soulmate. He has been there for me when I have screamed and cried, and yes, I have screamed and cried. I have been angry, sad, mad...and he has been my rock. I didn't realize it would be this hard if he went back to work.

playing beauty school-old school style..

Well, I used to go to beauty school but that was like 11 years ago and I dropped out..LOL. I can do me some old school cap highlights pretty good. I don't have the money to get my hair done so I'm skipping this time. I wanted to go blonde so I did it myself. I def think I'm gonna do it again to get lighter in about a week or so. It cost $8.99 and looks pretty good. It is actually lighter, I just could not get a good pic with my cell phone. See my hubby? Yeah, he helped. He used to do it for me when we were poor and first got married. He secretly likes it..haha. He used to want to be a barber..(sorry Scotty!)
Anyways, I think it turned out pretty good and I'm ready to be blonder now!
Im going to be (shhhh) blending some color into Scotty's gray hairs tonight while we watch DWTS..:-)

Happy Tuesday everyone!

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Thursday

The pics are just because. I wear this hat all the time and my sweet hubby makes fun of it. Anyhow, the other day it was on the dash of my car and I guess scotty put it on, bc when I.looked over, he was wearing it. I laughed so hard, had to take pic. I guess it was a just you had to be there moment..ya know?

We have been walking together in the mornings at the park early and I love it. Love the birds chirping, the cool breeze, and spending time together. Minus the bird poop on my shoe yesterday.

Today I spent the day shopping with my memaw and I had a great day. I so love having a daughter. I love buying her cute clothes..:)) Her bday is next Friday and we just shopped for her. We had cracker barrel for lunch, because it was turkey n dressing day and ya know, that's my fave. It was thanksgiving today.:))

I got some very sweet comments and fb messages the last two days. You all know who you are. Thank you SO much and your words mean the world to me. ((Hugs)) to you all!!

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Saturday

So we made it through the hospital stay. And...drumroll..please! Scotty is fine. His heart and lungs look well right now..praise the Lord. We were all so convinced he had pulmonary hypertension and he doesn't. He does have a hernia that may need to be removed, but thats manageable.

Laiken has been a sickie all week. Coughing, fever, ear infections..you name it. I remember when she was so sick as a baby and she would scream all night. She did alot of screaming last night bc of her ears.
Today she has the first batting practice of the season and it seems so crazy with all this snowy weather. February is one of my favorite months bc I love pink and Vday and my Laiken was born on the 25th.

Today my monthly friend came to visit, and I was really hoping she'd forget about me oh, for say 8 more months or so..but I'm really ok she came. As long as she doesn't stay too long..haha. TMI much?

I'm going to go enjoy my Saturday with my family..:-)

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new day.

This is where I spent my day. Sorry, Scott for posting the picture! He has been having chest pain when he breathes..so pulmonologist sent him to be checked out. It could get bad fast for him, if its serious. Anyhow, after all day, we were released and we went to eat pizza.

I had anxiety when we got there as I had to go in that same room where I first saw that still image of Ryan. I was fighting tears. His nurse was the one who had done the ultrasound and ran away..it made her uncomfortable. After awhile, she asked me if she knew me. I told her yes, I had seen her and she did an ultrasound on me..and then she remembered. She then sat and talked with us for awhile. It was very surreal. She told me she got in trouble for not sending me to the waiting room afterwards. L&D was full, I had to wait on a room so she put me in an ER room and they were extremely busy and I was wasting a room. She said she couldn't fathom or go home and sleep good if she sent me back out into that waiting room, sobbing hysterically. So Keri, thank you.

We went to visit Ryan when we got back into town. My visits there have gotten shorter..I can't stay as long. She was beautiful, and she lives on in my heart. All seven tiny inches.

"A new day has come.."

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Thursday

I decided I needed a change. Sometimes I feel like I just look terrible, kwim?

When I left my house this morning my hair was dark.(first picture.) When I came home it was much more highlighted.

I felt really bad about myself after I saw Christmas pictures. I felt like a whale. So I started running again and eating clean. Has nothing to do with the new year. No resolutions for me.

I think 20 lbs off would make me feel fabulous, ya know?

Ryan's headstone came in. My grandpa ordered it himself and put it in. He is very special to me. Losing Ryan has really bothered him..I drove by one day and saw him visiting her and my heart crumbled..I heard him tell my Memaw "but I was looking so forward to rocking her in the swing on the back porch.."

I haven't talked much about Scotty lately, but I would like to ask for prayers for him. He is now approved for disability. We haven't gotten a paycheck since the first of November. Please pray we get a check soon. Sometimes it takes awhile. He is waiting on a heart cath test scheduled to confirm a diagnosis of pulmonary hypertension. When you Google it, you get rare.deadly.short life expectancy. Most don't make it 5 years after diagnosis. Please please pray for him and that if he has this awful disease that its not in stage 4 or advanced and that he can be treated with drugs for a long time. It is incurable and I don't like to think about it at all but I ask that you please pray for him..(and me.)
He has decided to switch careers while on disability and become a nurse after becoming sick.
Our lives have changed a ton lately and I am learning to accept these changes...its been very hard. I've been bitter, angry, and sad about them. But I know God has a better plan. My attitude hasn't been the best lately and I pray for his mercy and grace every day...

I totally did not mean for this to become a sad post..I am very blessed and so grateful.
Thanks for your prayers..:-)

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