5.03.2011

the next year.

I struggle all the time with the "plan" for my life. It's so out of my control, but sometimes I just want to snap my fingers and have it all my way. Especially when those curveballs are thrown at you. But I know, I am not in control. I don't want to be.

These are verses I read over and over.
Psalm 139: 16 You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book!

”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

1.“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5)

It's hard to sit and wait.

He has complete control of my life.
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)

I am trying to "rest."

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 29. The last year of my 20's. I really want it to be a happy year. I want to look back and know that it was one of the best years of my life. There are so many things I want to do. I am not sure where my place is yet. I really thought for my birthday I was going to get two pink lines. Because I planned it that way. Instead, I completely missed my period. It never came and I am not pregnant. So now I am wondering why. I have never been so normal as I have been since Ryan was born. Perfect 28 day cycles. Why this month? Because "I" had planned to get those pink lines. I prayed this morning. I am struggling. People as me all the time "Why do I want another baby?" and I cannot answer that. But there is a deep aching in my soul and I so want that baby. I wanted Ryan. I prayed for her. I prayed for the baby I lost before her. I don't understand this heartache. I am struggling to let this go. To wait on Him. Listen to what HE wants for my life. As most of you know, Scotty and I had planned on being foster parents and then we decided to adopt a little girl. She was actally returned to her mom. But Scotty got sick around the time we were going to classes and we never got to go. Was this not His plan? Or am I having trouble having another baby because this is His plan for me? Maybe another form of adoption? I just don't know. Last night I cried and cried because I am just really getting that it's all out of my control. I have been holding on to this control and now, another curveball has been thrown at me. When I was expecting two pink lines or to get a monthly visit, neither happened. And it just made me miss Ryan even more, she should be with me, smiling and cooing and wearing ruffled bloomers. But I visit her at the cemetary. And she's really not there, either. I find comfort in that, though. Because I know she is on heaven. But it is still hard to drive by going to Walmart every day and looking over and seeing her grave. Anyhow, I am giving this to God. I am giving up my control. I will still be sad, but I can't spend so much time on my grief, that I give up the good parts of my life. I will still grieve, as this is a lifelong process. I will still blog about dealing with it. I will still cry, but I have got to let go of some of it.

I realize this was a long post, and I wrote it for me, so if you made it through, Whew.

And did I mention I miss him? My rock. My best friend. My soulmate. He has been there for me when I have screamed and cried, and yes, I have screamed and cried. I have been angry, sad, mad...and he has been my rock. I didn't realize it would be this hard if he went back to work.

6 comments:

Tiffany said...

Aw, praying for you. I really am. Although I have never lost a child, nor can I imagine the depth of your pain, I do know the daily battle that it is to surrender control. It is really, really hard.

Kim said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now:( You shouldn't have to answer to why you want another child. You want Ryan, but you can't have her and you miss her, but you expected to have that experience again and you still want that. Maybe you don't want to end on a loss like me, but no matter what you are the one going through this terrible tragedy and the reality is that you want what you want and there is no reason to question it or feel like you have to answer to anyone. This is a terrible life (the loss of a child) to trudge through and only we know (or try to figure out) what will get us through. I love your quotes. I'm not very religious, but they are very appropriate. Thinking of you and hoping for those 2 pink lines for you soon!!

Ashley E. said...

Praying for you girl. Tough stuff. :(

Melani said...

After losing Kayden(second loss), I think a lot of people expect us to be done. Some thought we'd be done after Evan(first loss), but when you feel like someone else is meant to be added to your family, you can't just give up. Keep on fighting for what you feel is right for you and your family.
I had that same realization Easter weekend...it shook me to my very core! Seriously, my whole 28 years(will be 29 this Sept) I have never had that strong of a realization that there is VERY little within my control. Tough realization for sure! Which triggered a melt down. It's hard to be patient...i'm struggling also. I do have to let go and let God. You will be in my prayers for some sort of guidance. P.S. I would SO love to foster/adopt, and have thought about it a lot also. :)

The Mama said...

It is SO hard to "let go and let God" isn't it? I am so OCD, I really do wish I had a crystal ball so that I could see into the future sometimes. I do not know your pain of losing a child, and Ia m so sorry. I really do pray for you and I hope you feel them girl.

And Happy Birthday! I am so sorry that you didn't get 2 pink lines for your bday, but I am praying so hard for God's blessings for you and your sweet family this year.

Melody said...

Praying for both of us to have January/February babies! Praying for your peace and happiness this next year. I know it's hard to be 29!

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."