12.05.2010

what I need you to know.


I keep hearing from well meaning people that second trimester loss or stillbirth is uncommon. It's rare. I've had people ask me what's wrong with me...
It's not!! Look how many mamas blog about it. Read the statistics.. they say it happens in one out of every 115-160 births. I thought about it..that's one EVERY 20 minutes in US alone. Think about the world..I considered my Facebook friends. Three of us..ironically all related to me have experienced second trimester or greater loss. I have around 300 friends. Too many.
I have pregnant friends who avoid me like the plague now. I'm depressing and a reminder of the truth. Reality. Most all stillbirths happen when the pregnancy is thought to be low risk and the mom is otherwise healthy. I found one site that said it is "relatively common." I don't understand why it is so taboo, or considered to be soo rare.
And the majority of these babies are perfect and there is no known cause found.
I've also heard a lot of "well the baby might not have been healthy.."
Please do not say that to a bereaved mama. My baby was healthy. The placenta failed her.. she was perfect.
Yes, I have a condition that caused it. But I am not a rarity..lots of women do.
Please don't tell me I'm blessed and I can have more babies. I'm so blessed..but know that I loved Ryan and she is irreplaceable. Know that I was waiting for her..I love the Celine Dion song..A new day has come..she wrote this for her firstborn. I love this.."the world thought I had it all, but I was waiting for you.."
I listen to this song every day when I'm in the shower. Seems strange, but it brings me hope. I may seem to have it all, but just because a mom can have more does not mean she can replace her lost baby. If we lost our parents, we couldn't replace them.
At least you didn't know her...oh, I beg to differ. I felt her, saw her, loved her, prayed for her..her love kept me warm.
I gave up caffeine, took progrsterone, folic acid for a year..I've never smoked or drank or done drugs..all risk factors for abruption. I did everything right.
She's still gone.
I haven't been going to church because I've heard so much of this stuff I dread hearing it.. I just want to hear I'm sorry about your baby girl. I'm praying for you...those words mean the world to me. Please don't tell me she can be replaced, or that something was wrong with her.
Right now it seems half of my Facebook friends are pregnant. Their statuses are constantly about morning sickness..indigestion..exhaustion..
Don't they know I would endure it forever? I want to scream and tell them to quit complaining..don't they know how many friends I have that have endured lots of miscarriages and fertility treatments and wouldn't complain..they pray for it.
I carried a trash bag around with me in my car. I threw up constantly. I was miserable but thankful.
I wait with hope. I grieve with hope.
I'm not trying to be a downer, but it helps to write my feelings. I do appreciate your prayers and all your sweet words.
Ashley
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3 comments:

Melody said...

There is no "At least" about your situation. I could see an "at least" if you were 3 weeks and hadnt found out yet and then had a miscarriage. Even then, it would be hard. I loved my little girl from the day I found out I was pregnant with her. If she wasn't here and I had another baby, I would still miss my first one.I'm so sorry about all of the "at least" comments. I don't think people realize they are hurting more than helping. The comment you made about replacing our parents, that is so true. Losing Ryan was just like losing Laiken! I get it and it's never happened to me. Still praying for you sweet friend!

Nicole said...

I just want to share that I have absolutely felt what you're feeling. From stillbirth being taboo, to EVERYONE you know being pregnant, to being avoided because you're a reality check. Nothing about losing a child is easy, and as Melody said, there is no "at least" to it. We will forever love our girls (I'm positive that they're Heavenly buddies now though!) and miss them always. You're in my prayers.

Tesha said...

Ashley I just read all the post on Ryan All the things you said is how I feel. I LOVE the letter from Laiken about her sister...so sweet. I am really thankful that these post are here, I am also really thankful that your blog is not just about her death. I love that it is about your life which includes your precious Ryan. Thank you for sharing So happy to see you are expecting your baby girl Sawyer. I LOVE her room! Thanks again.

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."