a long one.

It rains, it pours, right?
My dad has been in the hospital with a blood clot. His leg starting swelling and he called me last Thursday night and asked me what I thought about his big swollen calf. He was leaving on a plane the next morning. I told him he had a blood clot and not to fly unless he went go the ER to rule it out. So off he went. They told him no blood clot so off he went to Florida. He could barely walk on his leg. It was so bad when he got back he went back to the Dr., and ultimately it was a blood clot. The radiologist had missed it and he flew anyways and yes, it went to his lungs. So he was put in the hospital. He's very lucky he didn't die getting off that plane because it happens. I was worried all weekend. You just hate to see your parents sick..although he's an awful patient. Sorry dad, you are.:-)

My memaw is making herself sick worrying about my Grandpa and his heart. It is failing and he gets tireder and weaker every day...and he is so very active for his age. It just kills me, he is such a big part of my life. I worry about both of them.

I know this sounds awful, but I know wonder and worry about my pregnant friends. I wonder if they are going to lose their babies and I just pray for them. I have been worrying about this a lot lately. If I were to get pregnant, the world might not know about it until I was very far along. And I haven't been trying. But somehow, I thought if I were to get pregnant in February that I would have a baby in November. I calculated the due date with my ovulation date and it was November 9, 2011. The day Ryan was born. I thought maybe it was a sign. So yeah, I tried this month. And it was a big failure. I thought maybe it would bring some joy into that awful month. I guess not. I really do want another baby so badly. I cannot replace Ryan, but I do want another baby someday. I wish I had her. She was perfect. I just wish I could press rewind. She was supposed to be my rainbow after the storm. I was sooo beyond happy to be pregnant with her. I secretly hoped she was a girl. Most of you know, but she was twins. One of them didn't make it but she was the strong one, she was the one with the strong heartbeat. It just kills me that she was so perfect, and a blood clot killed her. Guilt. What if I stayed in bed more.. what if? I wish I blogged about the pregnancy more, or kept a journal because I feel like I missed so much. I was scared to tell the truth to some people, that my pregnancy was going bad. Because she was strong. I now visit her at a cemetery. A lot of my friends in real life think this is weird, I'm sure. They don't get my shoes that I wear. I'm very thankful for all the moms I've met in this other world, who make some days easier. I get stronger every day. And some days I feel like I'm going to fall.

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Melody said...

You have been through so much. I pray for you dad and am so thankful that he made it off of that plane. As for Baby Ryan, it was NOT your fault! I know that you know that. I also know that it must be SO hard to wish things back. I didn't know your pregnancy was struggling. I pray for peace for you. Only God has power over life and death, not us. It wasn't your fault!

Nicole said...

So thankful your dad is okay after that plane ride!

I also want to tell you how thankful I am for all your care, concern, support, love, and prayers.

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough patch...so sorry. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better, but I can't. What I can do, though is tell you that I'm here for you and I will be remembering you and your family in my prayers.

Love and hugs!!!

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."