tearful tuesday

Since I've been moving, I've been going through pictures and I love these two of Camden and Laiken. They were both taken lying on my hospital bed. My sweet black headed babies. It's just a reminder that now I should have a newborn baby in my arms. Someday it hurts so bad I just want to scream. Some days its easy to get through the day. I may never have another baby and that reality hurts. I'm so blessed with my other children that sometimes I feel guilty for wanting another baby. But those of you who read this blog and are trying to get pregnant and have no children or who have lost your first baby, my heart breaks for you. I pray for you every day. And I mean that, I really do. But I don't think ill ever be able to explain my feelings for wanting to have another baby. I'm praying very hard. God knows his plan for me and my family.

The first picture is of me and Camden. He was about 16 months old, and he was soo precious.( not sure why my eye is squinted, weird).
At this time I felt hopeless. I forget about that storm in my life..because I just block out a lot of those days. Camden was diagnosed as being severely delayed. No babbling, no walking, he was very floppy. I couldn't believe God had made this beautiful boy this way. After I came to grips with it, I prayed like crazy and put him in physical, occupational, and speech therapy. This was a perfect little boy who God had blessed our family with. We had tons of people who prayed for this baby. I fully believe God healed Camden. He is a beautiful handful of a 6 year old and he brings me soo much joy. I know I've shared this story before, but it helps me to remember how God brought me through that storm when I felt so hopeless.

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Brittney said...

We went through something similar with Brooklynn. She was walking, but delayed in other areas. She's still SOOO floppy, but she's slowly catching up to where she needs to be (after 3 years of OT, PT, and Speech).

Kim said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I have had the exact same thoughts, but I've decided this is a very unique and cruel journey in life. We have the right to think whatever thoughts come to mind. You just want to try any and everything to make it better. Having another baby would bring you joy in a life that is a daily struggle. It would not replace Ryan or make that go away, but it would be a new joy in life, which is what we planned for in the first place. It's hard to think about that though because you really just want your baby girl, Ryan. You know the pure joy of having children and you love that experience. You planned for that and lost it, it's the most unimaginable pain in the world. You just want that joyful feeling back and the only way it seems possible is to move forward toward that hope for a future with brighter moments. You shouldn't feel wrong or guilty for wanting another baby, it is only natural. It's hard to think of a life ending on a loss like this. I know that feeling. Hang in there, I'm thinking of you.

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."