8.26.2011

Friday

My sickness is somewhat better, but still pretty miserable. You never forget what this is like, and you only can eat what sounds good to you right then, otherwise your world will fall apart. I do remember being so sick with Laiken and Scotty and I lived in a little tiny kinda musty house. I laid on a hard futon all day everyday because I was too sick to move. Lots of ER trips and phenergan. I made it through...so I know this too, shall pass.

I have sooooo many fears about being pregnant and I wish I was that young naive girl again. I run to the bathroom a gazillion times a day to check for blood. Every cramp I have is something bad..I do get crampy. Probably my oversized uterus stretching..This seems like a dream. Although I have read over and over that subsequent pregnancies after loss are like, this..maybe I still thought it was going to be rainbows and butterflies? I'm very excited for my ultrasound on Monday. Scotty is going with me, and he missed everyone when I was pregnant with Ryan E., because he was in Ohio working. That's another thing..with this hurricane coming and most likely making landfall, he will probably go to work in the northeast. I dread that..I was looking forward to him being here and helping with the kids, its hard to juggle this chaotic life alone.

So, I'm not even sure how to get to this..but in December I had a pap at my post partum. Noone called, so I assumed normal. No letter in the mail. Nothing. I found out 9 months later at my first prenatal appt. Yesterday, I got a certified letter with words like "abnormal" "precancerous" "biopsy"... I realized they scheduled me a biopsy and so I called and cancelled. I refuse to let them mess with my cervix and make me bleed. Or worse. I'm terrified, cercival cancer scares me but my baby comes first right now...I have more crazy irrational fears about this but I just have to put this in God's hands..its in His hands anyways..
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7 comments:

Melody said...

I'm so mad that they did this to you! It's just not right in ANY way! Surely a biopsy is not any more harmful than a pap and you had one of those. Maybe if you go ahead with it it would give you peace of mind. I don't know. I know you have to do what is best for you. I don't know what I would do in your situation either. I just wish you didn't have this hanging over you also. Also, about the sickness. I coulnd't stop throwing up this morning. I'm 13 weeks so I thought I would be over this by now. UGH.

Hillary said...

I'm so glad that you are feeling a tad bit better! I remember vividly those horrid days of feeling so sick. The only thing that got me through was running the thought of "it means the baby is doing great" through my head 4000 times a day.

I'm appalled for you that they didn't call you with such important info!! Unless you are in love with your current doctor I would change right away. If something like that can slip through the cracks it would scare me what else could! With you already starting out after such a high risk pregnancy you will need to be someplace that you won't constantly be worrying about what else they forgot!

Fear after the loss of Ryan is totally normal (at least it has been for me). I don't think either of us will feel any better until our babies are here safe and sound with us!

Lots of love and hope that ya'll have a great weekend!
xoxox

Nancy said...

Praying that this pregnancy heals your female parts & abnormal pap will never happen again!
Hope you have a good weekend full of fun & love!

Ashley E. said...

What in the world!? Why did they not call you!?

Kim said...

I can't even imagine all of the emotions you're going through right now, all completely understandable! I am sooooo happy for you that you are pregnant. I know how much you wanted it, but I know there is a lot of sacrifice in having another pregnancy. That is what makes you a good mommy:) You are willing to sacrifice your fears, heartache, body, for your children. I hope you start feeling better soon and I'm sorry your office has put you in a more stresful situation. I hope you start feeling better soon!

Melani said...

Yeah, being pregnant with a rainbow baby is beyond SCARY! Totally normal to have fears, EVERY little thing will make you worry. I would say I'm sorry you're so sick, but I'm not sorry, because it's a great sign. :) Hang in there!
Praying that your body will work its self out. Pray for guidance in what steps to take, and the courage to follow that guidance. Dumb that your drs office messed up so bad!

Melanie Mueller said...

Hi! I found your blog through my sister in law Hillary's blog.
Just wanted to let you know that I am now a new follower that is praying for you! I hope you continue to feel better and have some peace through your pregnancy. I can only imagine the worry that can consume you!!
That is insane that you were never notified about the abnormal cells. I sure hope you gave them a piece of your mind. ;) I also pray that whenever you do further testing, it comes back normal! You have been through enough!!!!!
Btw, your kiddos are adorable!!!
Take care!! ((HUGS)))

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."