Two years {a walk by faith}

This broken road has given me more pain and more blessings than I ever could have dreamed.

Happy birthday, Ryan Elizabeth. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of you and wish I could hold you and kiss your head like I do your sisters.

It's been two years since Ryan was born into heaven, and it's been only by faith, grace, and mercy that I walked this journey. She was wonderfully made by God, and she was a perfect gift from Him. I only got to have her for a short time, but her life has been for His honor and glory as I have drawn closer to Him. I can't imagine not having the hope that his promises are true, the hope that I will see her again. My hope is in Him. His grace has been sufficient, and I am undeserving. I am thankful for every second I had with her, and I wouldn't change my story. I have faith that there is a perfect plan. I grieve for me, selfishly. But I don't grieve for her, I know that she's in a perfect place and that gives me rest. I want her here, running and tripping and talking like silly toddlers do, with banged up knees, and pretty dresses and the biggest bows. I still ache for that. I have hope I will see her again. Thank you, Jesus.

I'd say that this year seems harder than last, I was pregnant and nervous and I tried very hard to keep it together. This year, Scotty is away working, and I am alone with the kids and Sawyer is here, and I think she has made me realize more what I have missed out on as a mom. I have missed two years of first steps, words, and first boo boo's. There are no pictures with a sticker for each month, there are no tears to kiss away.

But there are blessings in the rain. God wonderfully created another daughter, and gave her to us. She is only a borrowed gift, and I thank God he chose me to be her mom. I know Sawyer is here for a purpose. She is the beauty from ashes. The rainbow after the storm.

I don't think that storm ever ends, pain never fades, time heals NO wounds, but it does get easier. For the rest of my life, November 9th will be celebrated. I want to always celebrate her life. I will always have three daughters. I will never stop loving her and I know now that aching tugging feeling will never go away. And that's ok. I know that I won't sleep tonight {it's one a.m.}, I will be digging through her little box of belongings over and over and writing in her baby book things I can't here.

And when the sun comes up, I will walk by faith. I will kiss Sawyer a little more {maybe not possible} and hug my four kids here with me tightly. We will go visit Ryan's gravesite, we will go get a cupcake or two and laugh a little. We will celebrate the beauty of life, and give God the glory for all He has done. I will send a pink balloon up in the sky, knowing it won't reach heaven, but it will bring a smile to my face and Ryan's brothers and sisters will love it.

Happy birthday in heaven sweet girl! We love you so much!