The real me

You ever felt pressure to live up to way more than you can give? Well, that's me right now. Swimming to stay afloat. Life's good, really it is...I'm not complaining. 

It's just the pressure I feel to be a better mom, wife, cook, decorater, crafter, organizer, etc. is weighing on me. I can't even handle Pinterest lately. Like, completely can't handle. Social media and blogging make the pressure more intense for me. I see perfect homes, perfect children, perfect cakes, beautifully made casseroles, fancy teacher gifts, and outrageous birthdays...and I'm not totally a failure...nor do I disagree with you if you are sitting right now planning your child's next birthday extravaganza. Because I'm a little jelly I'm not that mom. Just a little. 

I'm just not one of those moms. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to blog about because I never even take pictures of my kids with a real camera anymore, and I wish I did...I have no fun craft to share, nothing interesting for you to pin, and I'm not even the best writer. I do, however have things I want to say. 

So, here I am. A mom fail of sorts on occasion. A mom who loves her kids more than life. A mom who let her kids eat frozen pizza with chips for dinner tonight. And we don't eat like that. Do we? I didn't think so. A mom who cried today all day because her oldest son graduated 5th grade. Like, as in no more elementary. Cried because her perfect, well almost, perfect daughter got a ton of awards at her assembly today...for being perfect. A mom who is trying to be her healthiest and wants to continue this weight loss journey. A mom who loves Jesus.  A mom who occasionally yells at her kids and who has to stop and pray before I lose my cool. A mom who takes her baby to therapy three days a week 30 minutes away. A mom who just found out her sweet baby's genetic code isn't perfect. A mom who really struggles with the fact that her baby has to deal with pain and a stupid neurological disease caused by genetics. But this mom wouldn't take that girl any other way. A mom who is dealing with puberty and attitudes. Yeah, it's totes not all roses here. A mom who has this 8 year old boy that makes her heart a flutter and who keeps me laughing. Said boy causes me me to have gray hair. Not really, but it feels that way. And I'm not just a mom. I'm a wife, too. A wife to a man who is a survivor. A wife to a man who works his self to death to give us a lifestyle we don't deserve, a wife to a man who puts up with my crazy ideas and shenanigans. A man who has a wife who hates laundry. I'm a wife to a man who is my best friend. A man who drives me crazy. We fight. It's not all cupcakes. But at the end of the day, this man is my rock and would throat punch anyone who messed with me or his children. Throat punch? That's an understatement. I'm also a friend, a daughter, and a granddaughter. I have a grandpa who thinks I hung the moon, a mom who would cut her legs off for me, a dad who thinks I'm supermom {lie}, a memaw who loves her great grand kids like crazy, and wears herself out trying to help me. I'm a loyal friend who chooses my friends wisely, and only gives my time to those I really cherish. But besides all of that..

I am me. I'm a girly girl who loves pink and polka dots. And monograms. A girl who loves bubble baths. A girl who struggles with the word no. A girl who is so unorganized. A girl that washes her her daily. Even if its bad. A beauty school dropout. A girl who loves makeup and beauty products to the moon. Addicted to mascara. Like as in, I cake it on in clumps. And don't care. I like it. A girl who has cellulite and stretch marks and still struggles with that. A spray tan addict. Wow, this sounds vain...a girl who loves romance novels. I hate cartoons. A girl that throws her clothes in the floor. Like as in, the minute I get home..the pajamas come on. A girl who gets a thrill out of long car rides and old dilapidated barns. A girl who loves fancy real estate, and old cottages too. Lover of flea markets, and junk stores. Sanding furniture makes me happy. I am a girl who spreads myself too thin, and trying to find a balance. And a way to say no sometimes. A girl who loves the water. Water makes me happy. I love living by a lake. I'm a girl who likes Sour patch kids like whoa, an ice cold diet coke and could eat guacamole three times a day. My favorite Friday nights are a cozy blanket, giggly kids, candles, and 20/20 and Dateline. My car is a mess. I mop my kitchen three times a day sometimes. My laundry is on my dining room table. eBay addict. I have ADD. I'm a former spelling bee champ. I'm overly compassionate. I sometimes feel bad for psycho murderers. I'm a fun person. I love the beach. 

I'm just me. Sometimes I feel like I wear too many hats, and have a hard time changing them. I right now am trying to find a balance between everything in my life, and its hard. But my life isn't perfect. It's far from it. Thanks for listening. I have a lot to say. I want to share my life in an open way...well, not everything. I just want to be me. A real, authentic person. And if I'm blogging...I want it to be real. This is just a way to remember my life..a personal journal. I miss it. See y'all back real soon;)


Charise said...

Ashley!! I can totally sympathize with a LOT of this. I might not be a wife/mom yet, but I think that as a woman, we all have the tendency to spread ourselves too thin at points in our lives. And to also feel so inadequate at the things we do. This is such a yes world we live in and it makes it hard to say no to anything. I for one feel terrible saying no to something or someone, even if it is a situation I don't want to be in. Hang in there! You're tough!!

Tesha Papik said...

Ashley I love your honesty!! I think we all struggle like this...I do! I think it is important to do just what you did and tell the truth about our struggles, it's so freeing! I have gotten better at saying no but I am terribly unorganized and it often creates chaos. I love when you are blogging and I look forward to seeing you here more!:)

Nancy said...

Love this post because it's real.
I am a basket case this weekend, so this made me feel normal :)

Kerry said...

I love love love this post! It is truly awesome and you my friend are awesome for letting us inside your life like this :) You made me smile on many occasion, especially your sympathy (sometimes) for phsyco murderers LOL
You really showed your true self here, I admire you for being honest and for showing me that I am not alone in feeling like I can't keep up. I am so far from perfect it is ridiculous and I despise laundry too!
Thanks for this Ashley, there needs to be more posts just like this one, because let's face it, I am sure we all relate more to your life than to one of those picture perfect Pinterest inspired lives xoxo

Kim said...

No one is perfect! When you are on social media sites and see big houses or fancy cars-that doesn't make them happy and their life isn't perfect either, they just make it look that way. They only post what they want. I am sure your life is much richer than a lot of other people because you appreciate and thrive on what you do have. Thank you for sharing, you are not alone my dear:)

The Momma said...

I love this post. I've had the hardest time lately, and I am so thankful that you chose to share this post. Love it and you, sweet friend!

And remember, the people who blog about their perfect houses probably have really messy kitchens and just don't show it, and the people who blog about their perfect kids probably have kids who fight non stop. Don't we all?

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."