I have listened to this song over and over and although I never got to see my baby girl smile, I dream about it. I know she's better off with Jesus but it hurts so very bad right now.

I came home last night. I recieved a blood transfusion to make me feel better, I was feeling horrible before. Alot of people have asked me why I was in the hospital so long and I'm not really sure if I blogged about this or not. I wanted to deliver her naturally. This was my plan and my body was not cooperating. I should have delivered 24 hours after I was admitted, but it didn't happen. I chose to endure the 6 days of induction because that's what I wanted. I don't think the doctors would have chose that for me, but it was my choice. The medicines and laying in bed so long took a toll on me.

Leaving the hospital was very bittersweet. I was glad to go and I wanted to see my kids, but I didn't want to leave without my baby. It's all so very hard right now. I don't understand at all. I know His plan is greater than mine, but right now it's very hard for me. I think that's OK. I don't understand why I tried so hard to have another baby after losing the last one that I had to lose another. It doesn't seem fair. I have prayed for so many people who have lost babies and felt their pain, but you never really understand until you go through it. I had a nurse tell me yesterday it's OK to be angry, just don't stay there. Visit it and go. And truthfully, I am a little angry. Please pray for my peace.

The nurses and doctors at UAMS were very good to me on the delivery floor. The residents were all so very nice and the one that ended up taking care of me the most was actually a first or second year resident and she was amazing and she was so sweet. She sat and held my hand, cried with me, and made me feel comfortable in a terrible time. I am so very appreciative. The bereavement program was very nice. I had a flower on my door to let everyone who knew who entered that my baby was gone. I was given very special momentos that I am very thankful for.

Although she was very small(I don't have an official weight until I recieve the pathology report), she was very very loved. This pregnancy was very difficult and although I had some issues, I was SURE she would make it. The first time I saw the heartbeat, the first time I saw her kick and flip around..they will be forever embedded in my heart. Her sweet little profile. It looked so perfect on the screen. Her heartbeat was always so perfect. Im so glad I have it forever recorded. I love her so much and long for the day I see her again. I feel so empty. I loved her being inside of me. I miss those little movements. I would endure that never ending morning sickness forever if I could have her back.

Tomorrow we will have a graveside service for Ryan Elizabeth at the the Old Rosement Cemetary in Benton at 2:00. She will be buried right between my great grandparents in my family's plot. My great grandmother was the most amazing woman I ever knew, and I'm so glad that my baby will be beside her. I know they are in heaven, but I like knowing they are buried by each other. And I'm sure my Nana Great(thats what we called her) is loving on my baby girl right now. It was very important for me to have a burial service for her, because although she was tiny, she was real. And we loved her.


Melody said...

Did you get to see your sweet baby and hold her? I'm So So SO sorry! I just keep praying for peace for you. I know you need it so much right now.

The Mama said...

I pray that your Nana is holding your baby right now, and that she and Jesus hold your baby girl TIGHT until you can hold her again. HUGS

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."