My memories and recollections..November 2010

How was I SO happy here? Blissfully unaware that my daughter's heart would quit beating. I knew that my pregnancy was rough, but I NEVER dreamed that I would lose her. I had at least 7 or 8 ultrasounds in those fiveish months and she was SO active, flipping and punching. She was alive. I had a doppler, I stayed in bed most days, and didnt clean or vacuum, or push myself. I had NO clue when I got pregnant I would have placenta previa, high blood pressure, subchorionic hemorrhage, low potassium...I was very nervous, over cautious, and scared to death that she would die. But had no clue she really would.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I started progesterone, which I took for the first 12 weeks. I was very scared in the beginning, since I had recently had a miscarriage and that miscarriage nearly killed me. {Emotionally}. I literally felt like I was begging my OB dr. to take extra care of me. I know they hated me, I became one of those high maintenance patients who called alot and I feel guilty now that I felt guilty about bugging them so much. I remember after my first bleed, I got an ultrasound on my Dr's day off, he called me after I left the hospital and said he would meet me in the office. His wife came with him. Ryan (who was gender unknown) at the time, was waving at me. Her facial features were so clear. Her heart was beating. My dr. showed me what could be causing the bleed, and said I would be fine with moderate bedrest. My BP was high, but he brushed it off. My heart was racing connstantly, but that was brushed off too. I have a heart murmur, arrythmia, and Mitral Valve Prolapse. But I was just told it was all normal pregnancy. I went in with the WORST pains and cramping at the end of September, and was told I was fine. Halloween...gushing blood. Contraction like pain. Went to ER, was told my cervix may or may not be dilating..but to go home and wait it out until my appt with my new high risk dr. the next week. I felt like I was leaking fluid, but they wouldnt even check. Had extremely low potassium. I asked about an infusion, they told me to take a pill and go home. I trusted them, because Laiken was born fine after an abruption and major bleed. So surely this baby would be born fine too. I was told I might get a cerclage the next week after my appt, but I should wait. I wanted it then.

The day I found out, I had heard her heartbeat on the doppler that morning, but it seemed lower than the ususal 160ish range. I had a hard time picking it up. I had been caffiene free the whole pregnancy, but I went to McD's that morning and got breakfast burritos and Orange Juice, and the lady gave me a free Frappe. I guzzled it down and went home after taking the kids to school, and laid down. I felt SO funny, headache and racing heart. After calling the triage nurse, she suggested I come in. After the whole ER ordeal, and finding out Ryan had died, I was given an IV instantly and they started slowly infusing me with potassium because it was dangerously/deadly low. They kept questioning why I wasnt admitted the week before. After I was admitted on L&D, I kept hearing babies cry and women screaming..it was a bust night there. I turned Pandora radio on as loud as my iPhone allowed and I remember listening to "Held" by Natalie Grant and "Praise you in this Storm" over and over and over and over. I can remember wanting to look pretty, but I looked in the mirror and my whole face was a nasty mascar-ey mess. I couldn't quit sobbing. My husband was in Cincinnati and I just wanted him with me. I wouldnt let them give me inducing drugs until he came. I was given pain medicine though and anxiety drugs and I remember that night so very clearly. The rest of the time is foggy. It took 6 days of induction, days without food..I can remember begging for food and finally someone caved after three days or so and I had a turkey sandwich at about 3 am. I remember Treasure, Linda, and Marie. They were the thre best nurses ever. I had to have my blood drawn every hour. My veins were all collapsing and I started going insane after about 3 or four days of that. I remember being forced into an epidural around day four. I dont know what hurt so bad, but I couldnt let them check me or break my water because the pain was UNREAL. I have had painful natural childbirth but I was SO sore down there it was unimaginable. They begged me into getting an epidural so they could break my water. I caved. After I thought it was over, the anesthesiologist accidently ripped it out. He had to do it again. He also had to redo my IV himself because my other one wasnt cutting it. Would you believe 7 months later, I still have a bruise from it on my wrist? It's a reminder. I remember the foley bulb in my cervix and the ridiculous amounts of tape on my legs. That tape stayed for at least 6 weeks after. I took a shower after my epidural wore off, and I can remember being so weak that I didnt think I would make it but I just wanted to be clean. Scotty wanted to come in there with me but I wanted to do it alone. I remember screaming out or trying to scream out when I knew I was passing out. I do remember that feeling and being so scared. I thought I was dying. I was so scared after I came to. I wanted so badly to dry my hair, but they wouldnt let me back up. Later that night, I had the sweetest nurse ever, who helped me reshower and she dried and chi'd my hair for me. I even put make up on. The next day, I was told I was going to have to go to the operating room and be put to sleep. I refused. After some convincing, I agreed to go with the stipulation that I could not be put under and I still wanted to see her and everything be the same as a normal delivery. It took my mom and Scotty convincing them it was my way or no way. Anesthesia wasn't happy. I went down to the OR and while I was awake, Ryan was brought into this world with forceps. I remember the the music playing and feeling the cold awful forceps and her coming out. I remember wondering if it was a boy or girl. They showed the baby wrapped up in a towel and some guy took her away. My dr. wouldnt tell me anything until after I was out of the OR. Afterwards, the sweet resident dr came and sat on the bed with me and gave me details. I had already known she was going to be a girl. I was ready to see Scotty and just so sad he couldnt be with me. I just wanted him and was just so sad and heartbroken. Her little body was badly damaged and broken from the forceps. A professional photographer was supposed to come, but I turned her away after this. I know wish I had those extra special pictures, but I am glad to have what I have. Her footprints and handprints were not even recognizable really due to her deterioation. She was taken away shortly and sent to pathology until the funeral home picked her up. I wanted her to stay in the room with me, but I was on SO many drugs I felt out of control. The next day, I had lost so much blood I had two get two bags of blood. I was surprised that having blood transusions hurt so badly. I recall laying in my bed, in so much emotional and physical pain I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time. After 7 days of being in the hospital and on so many drugs, I was miserable, weak and disoriented.

This is my blog, and these are my recollections and feelings, and I don't mind sharing. If you don't want to read, don't. Writing this all out has really helped me deal with some of my emotions I am having. The last few weeks I have felt SO much better. Until today. I don't know why, but I am just having the hardest time. I want her back, I just wish this all hadn't happened. Getting pregnant with her after having my miscarriage was supposed to be my rainbow after the storm. I had no idea my storms were just beginning. I know having another baby can't replace her, so I don't focus on that. Sure, I want another but I am scared of being pregnant again. I can't do this again.

If you read through all of this, wow. And thanks for reading. :)
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My New Normal said...

Oh honey. I am so sorry. I try not to think about the day we found our our son had no heartbeat and the day he was born. It took me a while to write his birth story. I am so glad you have decided to share yours. It's painful to write but I have to tell you that I felt better after I was able to share mine.

I still long for those happy blissful days. The days when I didn't know how it felt to have your baby die inside of you. I wish we could both have those days back and our babies in our arms.

Mommarazzi said...

You have been through a LOT. No one could ever blame you for being scared...but He will carry you through! Romans 8:18 is one of my favorite verses. It reminds us that our current sufferings will not compare to the glory God has waiting for us. I know that no words will ever replace your precious Ryan or repair your pain but I so admire your courage to share your story. Praying for you!

Hillary said...

Oh Ashley, You are just soo soo brave to not only make it through such a horrible time as that was but then to share it with us all. I read every single word and just cried and cried for you. I know how heart-wrenching it must have been to re-think back through those horrible days and probably feel the same heart racing anxiety but I hope that in the re-telling you felt some peace and a little more closure.

I know Ryan is so proud that you are her Momma!

Lots of Love xoxox

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."