10.02.2011

This roller coaster

Before church this morning. I heart them. This was the most beautiful day.


A before church belly shot.



I have a few things I want to blog about, since this is October and Oct 15th is right around the corner. It's all bittersweet to me. I can remember October 15th last year and being so happy to have another chance to be pregnant again and had NO idea what November held for me. I had no idea one year later I'd have buried my daughter and been pregnant again.
Being pregnant after a loss is hard. It's not a replacement for the child you lost. It's an emotional roller coaster filled with anxiety, glimpses of hope, fear, the unknown. It adds to your grief process. It's happy and scary. It's being robbed of your innocence. The only way I get through this is faith. I know my God is the same as He was before and I stand on His promises.
I've made friends in the blog world and online support groups which is crazy to me, but some of these women I've met are some of the strongest, most amazing women ever. I know if I have a bad day there is someone out there who understands. I'm so thankful. I pray daily for other moms out there who are going through this.
I've come to realize not everyone will understand how I feel, and I'm ok with that.
This baby growing inside of me is such a blessing. I take it day by day. I've not felt such joy as I have in a long time as I did on Friday. Seeing the miracle of life, my child, growing inside of me almost took the breath out of me. It's different now. I don't take it for granted. Those tiny arms and legs, that beautiful beating heart, is a miracle.
At the end of every chaotic crazy day of my life, I can go to sleep knowing I'm blessed. I'm blessed for so many reasons and thankful. It's easy to be angry, but I'm passed anger. This last year has been hard. I've been carried by His grace. I've cried. I've screamed. I've probably thrown something. I've come to learn grief is a roller coaster...I'm sorry I'm all over the place with this..
I just want everyone to know no matter how hard this has been and is for me, I still feel blessed and I'm still thankful. And I cannot wait to meet my baby. What a day that will be!!!

*On another note, someone is coming home Thursday;)

6 comments:

The Mama said...

I think it makes sense for you to take this day by day. I think you are handling this so well. It makes sense that you have cried, screamed, thrown something, and I am sure, haven't even wanted to get out of bed some days this past year. But you did it and you are now carrying another miracle. I am praying for you my friend, every single day!

And I LOVE those pics, of your sweet kids, and of your precious baby bump!!!

Nancy said...

You look so cute in that picture! Hope you have had a good day!

Kim said...

I can't even imagine the roller coaster you're on. I'm glad you feel like you have people who you can go to to talk. I'm always here for you:)

KERRY said...

Hi Ashley! Congratulations on your pregnancy, that is very exciting!! I have seen you in blogland through comments but I am only now popping over to follow your blog :)
What a gorgeous family you have :)
Have a great weekend!!

Rebekah said...

I know your faith encourages so many just like many people encourage you! Your family is beautiful! And you are one cute momma!

blessedmomto8 said...

God is so faithful isnt' he? You look SO BEAUTIFUL GIRL!

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."