11.07.2011

Honesty

As I sit here, on the Eve before my big ultrasound, which is the Eve before Ryan's bday, fear and panic are setting in. I've prayed alot today for peace and comfort from my fears..I've cried.

I know what could happen at any point, and now I'm excited but cautiously optimistic..if that makes sense. It's very bittersweet that I am finding out the sex of this baby the day before Ryan's bday. I can't believe I'm actually pregnant a year later. I know alot of people probably don't understand why I'm still sad and pregnant, but I know alot of you who read this understand.

My fears are not irrational to me, because I know the 101 bad things that can happen. What if I go tomorrow and this baby now who is wiggling is no longer living? Honestly, brutally honestly, I have never been so scared/happy/fearful all rolled into one. I'm an emotional mess. I'm terrified. I want nothing more than to bring home a living, breathing, healthy, baby home. This (being pregnant) after a loss is not easy. Im not sure you are emotionally ready, ever.

I do know I have lots of friends and family praying for me and this baby and for that I am so thankful!

I am very excited to know what this baby is. I want to plan for it's arrival. Im just scared to. But I'm putting both feet in the water and I'm going to. Plan for this baby, despite my fears. I love this lil babe so much already it hurts.

I will let you guys all know the gender as soon as we have our lil family gender reveal party!!



5 comments:

Mrs. Monty said...

I can't wait to find out what your having! I will be praying for you and this lil babe! I totally know how crazy the emotions are, I'm going through the same thing!

Nancy said...

We can't wait to find out! Praying for you today!

Kim said...

I only know personally how hard it was to be pregnant after a miscarriage, which was my pregnancy with Reese and Scotlyn. I was an emotional wreck, knowing I had already lost a baby and it could happen again to worrying about pre-eclampsia and I worried about everything in between. I can completely understand how many emotions you have going through this new journey. Soak up the support! I promised myself (easier said than done) if I ever got pregnant again, I now realize things aren't in my control and I know how much I will love that baby no matter what and I would want to just enjoy since I was mess with my pregnancy with Reese and Scotlyn. Like I said, sooo much easier said than done and when you're in the situation (which I'm not) it's so different. We are moms and it is natural for us to worry. Thinking of you and I am so excited for you finding out soon!

Hillary said...

So so so many prayers for you today. I understand perfectly that fear and joy that you have. I know that God has the most perfect plan ahead for you this sweet baby that I can't wait to meet!

Lots of love to you today and everyday!

xoxox

KERRY said...

I can only imagine what you're feeling...*hugs*

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."