Honesty

As I sit here, on the Eve before my big ultrasound, which is the Eve before Ryan's bday, fear and panic are setting in. I've prayed alot today for peace and comfort from my fears..I've cried.

I know what could happen at any point, and now I'm excited but cautiously optimistic..if that makes sense. It's very bittersweet that I am finding out the sex of this baby the day before Ryan's bday. I can't believe I'm actually pregnant a year later. I know alot of people probably don't understand why I'm still sad and pregnant, but I know alot of you who read this understand.

My fears are not irrational to me, because I know the 101 bad things that can happen. What if I go tomorrow and this baby now who is wiggling is no longer living? Honestly, brutally honestly, I have never been so scared/happy/fearful all rolled into one. I'm an emotional mess. I'm terrified. I want nothing more than to bring home a living, breathing, healthy, baby home. This (being pregnant) after a loss is not easy. Im not sure you are emotionally ready, ever.

I do know I have lots of friends and family praying for me and this baby and for that I am so thankful!

I am very excited to know what this baby is. I want to plan for it's arrival. Im just scared to. But I'm putting both feet in the water and I'm going to. Plan for this baby, despite my fears. I love this lil babe so much already it hurts.

I will let you guys all know the gender as soon as we have our lil family gender reveal party!!