8.29.2012

A weight-y journey part one

Glorify God in your body, and in your spirit. ~ I Cor. 6:20

People keep asking me how I lost weight and how I did it so quickly and what "diet" I am on, what pills I am taking, etc. I was planning on documenting my journey on this blog but honestly I was ashamed in the beginning. I was too embarassed to post my weight and I was surely too embarassed to post certain pictures on here or facebook, etc. Let's be honest, most I took I deleted. There aren't many "body" shots of me since I gained the weight. I started gaining weight after we moved to Nashville in 2006 because I LOVE eating out and we had all these great new restaurants around and take out was amazing with three very small children. I started hard core weight training and got a trainer in 2008 and was really starting to feel good about myself and we moved back to Arkansas to our lake house and it's in the sticks. I quit working out and I started my bad eating habits again. I couldn't accept that I wasn't an 18 year old anymore who ate Taco Bell and had great legs with no cellulite and did nothing for them...This is really getting into how I gained..but in 2009 we moved back to my hometown and I wasn't happy. I got depressed. I am a pretty good cook. You know, Paula Deen style. I am the casserole queen. I like sour cream and cream cheese and mushroom soups and cheese and butter...sigh. I impressed people with my culinary abilities and I LOVE to cook dinner for other people. We started having weekend dinners with family and friends and I was frying tacos and making wings and casseroles and la di dah..then I had a miscarriage and my world crashed. I was so SAD. I ate more and I packed on the pounds. I was up to 194. I then spent the next year trying to get pregnant and then came Ryan E. I didn't gain too much during the time I was pregnant but when she died, I didn't eat for prob two weeks. I tried to run. I am sure I look stupid-I even blogged about how it was going to be easy for me after going through something as hard as losing her. Then I was DEPRESSED. I didn't get out of bed some days, I probably kept alot of this hidden. I stayed in bed until it was time to get kids from school, I ate alot of pop tarts and Taco Bell and chili cheese fries and I STILL could not grasp in my head I was as big as I was. I was up to 200ish. I love makeup and hair-I never go anywhere without being put together (that's another post-people ask me about this all the time) and I thought I hid it with my hair and makeup. I then became a "pretty face". People would say you have a pretty face. And I knew that meant I was officially fat. I didn't think about it because it was impossible to lose the weight-even though I knew how and what to do, it was too impossible. I was too depressed. I wanted another baby. I was sad that I couldn't stay pregnant. I was sad that I drove by my daughter's grave every day and my world was crashing. I was at a LOW point. I was just desperate for a baby---and please know that I didn't get pregnant until I completely surrendered it to God and quit making it such an obsession and priority (another post). I feel like I have so many posts I should blog--but I am starting here. My life is no longer a secret. It's out. With each word I type, I feel a HUGE weight gone off of my shoulders. When I got pregnant I decided to not gain a gazillion pounds and I promised myself I would lose it all after she was born--this is getting really long so I think this will be the end of this post. I will post part two tomorrow.

7 comments:

Kim H. said...

Good for you for posting this! You are gorgeous inside and out - hugs Momma and thanks for sharing your journey!

Hillary said...

You are seriously such a joy and inspiration! I can't wait to hear the rest of it! I'm still stuck at a horribly high number after having Griffin. Sometimes I'm just so overwhelmed with all I have to do and no hubby around to help (I know you know how that feels...) that I just eat to relax and little and feel better. Food is just such a "drug" sometimes :(. I can't wait to hear the whole story about your weight loss!

xoxox

Nancy said...

I can't wait to read tomorrow. What a great journey you are on now & you are an INSPIRATION to me!!

Kim said...

You look amazing! It's hard to get to that point where you're ready when you are in that raw grief state. Can't wait to hear more. I have often thought about posting about my weight loss journey (even though I'm not done). Maybe some day I will. I have lost 60lbs in the last year.

Summer said...

I am so so very proud of you friend! I know this was hard for you to post! I am so very proud of you! I do wanna say that I have ALWAYS thought you were beautiful inside and out and still do! I never ever thought you looked bigger, girl, I always thought you looked fabulous darling! I do get the you have such a pretty face since I gained the weight with steroids and now that I have steroid weight in my face I get your eyes are so gorgeous lol! I can't wait to get off steroids and loose the weight! I know you probably feel so much better girl, I cant wait to hear part two! I know how devastating it was loosing Ryan and still is! I love you girlie
Summer

The Momma said...

Girl you are doing so good!! I know blogging this is hard, and I'm just beyond proud of you for doing so great. :)

KERRY said...

Oh Ashley I love this post, I love your open and honest approach and the fact you are letting us all into your thoughts about weight gain and loss. I totally get you on this, it is a struggle for me always and I am yet to get where you now are. Good for you, be proud of everything you have achieved, you are beautiful inside and out. Life isn't always easy and we all deal with it in certain ways. I look forward to reading the rest!!

"We can cry with hope, we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope.."